Rules–what are they, who made them, who gets to decide and should you follow any or all of them. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and in fact, talked in a graduation speech about how we should not be intimidated by others people’s rules. Of course, there are some we can’t get out of–getting a ticket for going over the speed limit, stealing from a store. In essence, laws to which we will be held responsible no matter are thinking. Then there are rules and ways of being that others establish but are made up by them based on there sense of what is right and what is wrong. How does one decide if those ways of being are justifiable, make sense, and if you should follow them. At times, others will decide you should follow them lest you hurt their feelings, or step outside of the bounds that they have established are “correct.”
I would like to offer this. At times, you will hurt others feelings by not following their rules. This does not mean that you have violated any code of conduct. You will at times play games by different rules, so your boundary lines will be different but I can think of a lot of games that people play with different rules; none of which are harmful to others (spades or what fun is, for example)
My suggestion: decide for yourself what the rules are, your way of being and where the lines are drawn for you. Authenticity is the name of the game–whatever that means for you. You simply have to be willing to endure any consequences of your way. You might find at times this will cost you loss of friendship, frustration, and even grief. And yet, you might also find that it will bring you new friendships, excitement, and enlightenment.
If you haven’t had a chance to read or watch the Hunger Games, I recommend that you do. yes there is some violence but the movie and book are not about that. Thgere is so much to unravel. I would like to focus on the part that asks this question:
How do you maintain integrity in a system that requires (and there is no choice) you to engage in behaviors that you think are wrong so that you can survive another day?
I am not going to write about it but I would love your thoughts about this?
What I do know, however, is that in someone way, we all do this to some degree everyday–
I completely missed last Monday’s blog posting, In fact, i didn’t even remember until Thursday that I hadn’t written one.
Wikepedia defines Habits as:
routines of behavior that are repeated regularly and tend to occur subconsciously. Habit formation is the process by which a behavior becomes habitual. As behaviors are repeated in a consistent context, there is an incremental increase in the link between the context and the action
How do we go about changing habits so that they become subconcious…automatic. Here are five easy steps you can take to make it happen.
1. Enlist someone else to hold you accountable and to help you remember. Although your habit change should be for you and because you want to change it, not for someone else. And because you believe it will enhance your life.
2. Write it down–on a post it note, your calendar, the mirror in your bathroom. It doesn’t matter where–except that you must see it without having to look for it.
3. At the beginning, it might be wise to pick a scheduled time to change the habit. While flexibility is good, it makes it harder to change the habit.
4. Identify ways to celebrate the success of your habit. For example, you might want to set a goal that says, “when I am successful for three months, I…., whatever it is that makes you feel rewarded.”
5. Give yourself a break if you make a mistake. Everyday is a new day. Just because you mess up, doesn’t mean you can’t begin again.
Why do you hold on to things? Do they remind you of some thing, some one, some place? Do they express something about yourself that you want others to know? If you were to get rid of the “thing”, what would happen? Are you afraid you might lose the memory, that someone will love you less, that a parent will come back to haunt you, that without the memento, you will be less than or would somehow disappear. I would like to challenge you to look at everything you have in your office, your home, your car and ask yourself why you have it. Decide if you are keeping it out of desire or fear. Ask yourself, if what you are keeping brings good memories or if it is weighing you down. It is no surprise that there are many talk show hosts that have episodes on the importance of decluttering your life. It is necessary to to let go of things past so that you may experience the fruits of the future. Remember that new leaves appear on the trees only after the older ones have gone.
Don’t read me this post as saying that you should through away that beautiful photo of your mom from the 1950’s. And, I am not suggesting you live and work in blank and empty spaces. I do believe, however, that most of us could get rid of at least half of what we have in our possession. I truly believe that if you begin to unload yourself from some of the stuff, you may find yourself feeling a little less stuffy!
For those who read my very first blog post which was my VERY FIRST ever, I said I would write something everyday – Well, I reevaluated my goals and will now post something ONCE A WEEK instead….I realized that I want my posts to be relevant, meaningful and read! After having done a bit more research, it seems that once a week will do just that.
So did I fail – am I just being lazy. NO!. As i have gained more knowledge, I have made changes based on the new information that I have gathered. Some people decide that once they have said something, they must follow through in the exact same way in which they began, after all that was the commitment they made. This can be foolish, stubborn and detrimental to success. My attempt is to be successful. So as i have evaluated my first week of blogging, and based on new experiences and information, I have come to understand that once a day will make my blog irrelevant and unread, this is too much for others to keep up with. Changing your goals and objectives as you move forward and based on new insights is smart if it allows you to actually meet your original purpose. Hindsight is 20/20–we must use it to do and be better!
So stay tuned to my now once a week Monday postings. and Here’s to a New Ending!
Intention vs. Impact
We have all heard this notion that what we do or say (intention) isn’t always the way it is received (impact). Of course what we are after is Intention = Impact. I think we can all agree with this.
I have found, however, that this notion doesn’t seem to begin on equal footing. Intention consistently seems to be the one responsible both when understood correctly and when not understood correctly. I am here to tell you that we need to rethink this notion. I am not suggesting we flip the coin and hold impact consistently responsible. I am suggesting, however, that we need to evaluate the situation more thoroughly before we decide who is responsible when misunderstood and who might need to make adjustments.
I was at a restaurant yesterday when two couples sitting across the aisle (yes, they were speaking loud enough for me to hear) were talking about football and one guy is telling the story of a football game he went to with his father. He subsequently says, “that was the best day of my life.” His girlfriend sitting next to him must have said something like “you mean your best day wasn’t with me.” To which he replies, “I categorize them into family best times, social best times etc…for example spending new year’s eve with you was one of my best days too.” She wasn’t having it. My point is that his intention wasn’t clearly the impact. We have decided as a society that it is he who must alter his communication in this situation so that his girlfriend’s feelings won’t be hurt. And I am here to say that perhaps it is she who needs to not be so sensitive and a bit more understanding.
In essence, when your intention isn’t the impact, evaluate the situation first before you decide you must do it differently. And the same goes for impact–evaluate the situation first before you decide that someone else should do it differently. There is not a default page here.